Life is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Dear Kathy,

     My daughter is a great kid who has learning disabilities. The only thing that we fight about is her grades. It isn’t that she’s lazy or irresponsible, though. She does all of her homework and studies hard for her tests and quizzes. It takes her a lot longer than the other kids to read and answer the questions on her test papers and she doesn’t have time to finish. That’s why her grades are so low despite all the studying she does.

     My ex-husband and I want to have her evaluated for special services so that she'll do better in school. The problem is that she refuses to be tested. We have spoken to her about this individually and together but she won’t budge. She says that only the dumb kids go to resource room. Every time we talk to her about getting extra help she gets angry and walks out of the room.

      She just started junior high school and we’re worried that with the harder academic workload this year she won’t be able to keep up. I’m dyslexic and school was such a struggle for me. Back when I was her age, kids didn’t get the kind of extra help they do today. My teachers and parents just told me to work harder. It was frustrating because I studied harder than all of my friends and I barely passed. I felt really stupid. I don’t want her to feel that way, too. She won’t admit it, but I know that her low grades affect her self-confidence. She stresses out more and more about taking tests and she calls herself a dummy. It kills me inside.

     I didn’t understand my own learning disability until I went to college and my professor in English 101 steered me towards the Writing Center. One of the tutors at the Center was studying to be a Special Education teacher and she had dyslexia, too. She diagnosed me and taught me some learning accommodations that helped me retain more of what I read, read faster, and write better. After working with her for a few months I started getting A’s and B’s instead of C’s and D’s. I’m getting my master’s now. I never thought I'd ever be able to graduate from college let alone get a graduate degree when I was a kid. I hate that my daughter is having those same doubts about her future that I did. It’s lousy feeling less intelligent than all the other kids. I want things to be easier for my her but how can I get her to change her mind about getting tested for special services?

Worried Mom

 

Dear Dedicated Mom,

     Your daughter is very fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive mother. Additionally, she is blessed to have two parents working in unison to advocate for her best interests. My advice to you is that you and your ex-husband broaden your perception of the problem. From a narrow perspective, the problem is that your daughter needs extra academic supports, yet refuses to obtain them. Your solution, therefore, is to do everything in your power to get her evaluated for a learning disability and subsequently get her to participate in resource room services. The result of this narrow definition of the problem is that you, your ex-husband, and your daughter are engaged in a battle of wills. As the mother of three teen-aged girls myself, I know first-hand how fruitless that can be (and fun, too, lol!).

     A broader perspective of the problem is that your daughter has a learning difference that is impeding her ability to obtain grades which are commensurate with her abilities and efforts. The more self-knowledge that she has about the specifics of her unique needs, the less frustrated and more successful she will be both in school and in life. You and your daughter’s father have fulfilled your parental duty by reaching out to her regarding your concerns and offering to get her evaluated for special services.

     Give her some space and wait patiently for her to come to you.  If the only thing you fight about is her grades, I suggest that you and your ex cease bringing up the topic. As she is a responsible student and hard-worker, her low grades no doubt frustrate her a great deal. When some time has passed and she realizes that conversations regarding her grades won’t end in the same stalemate, she'll open up to you and her father. Use those opportunities to share your own struggle with dyslexia and the effect it had on both your grades and your self-esteem. Your chance encounter with a caring professor and supportive tutor changed your world. In a few short months, your C’s and D’s morphed into A’s and B’s. I’m betting that she’s her mother’s daughter and hence will (eventually) take the ball and run with it to a lifetime of success. Remember, Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

     I encourage you to focus on enjoying the time you spend with your child and create opportunities for her to talk to you about her struggles. By letting her take the lead in these conversations, you will give her your tacit permission to take the lead in making good decisions for herself as well. The less pressure she feels from you and her dad, the more likely she is to reach out to the two of you for support. I see a happy ending to your situation. Please update me on your daughter’s progress at [email protected]. Readers, I welcome your comments and feedback!

Blessings,

Kathy