Dear Kathy,
I have always wanted a family. I got married when I was 22 and it didn’t work out. I naturally assumed I‘d get married again and have kids by the time I was in my 30’s. When I turned 44 and I was still single, I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to have kids with a husband the way I’d planned and I started looking into adopting as a single mother.
A few months ago, I met a great guy and he proposed to me in July. I told him that I couldn’t give him an answer until we got to know each other better. He’s pressuring me to let him know one way or the other and I know that he feels hurt that I didn’t say “yes” right away. The truth is I’m crazy about him but I know he’s not open to adoption. When we met and I told him that I was planning to adopt, he was crystal clear about his feelings. He wants to raise his own kids.
I‘ll be 45 next month and I’m scared that if I marry him and I can’t get pregnant I’ll never be a mom. But if I adopt, I won’t have him. I can’t sleep or eat because I feel so conflicted about whether or not I should marry him. I don’t know what to do.
Conflicted Bride-to-be
Dear Bride-to be,
You describe your boyfriend as “a great guy.” Have faith in him and share your feelings. If the two of you get married, you will be journeying through the rest of your lives making many important decisions as a team. There is no better way to assess your compatibility as life partners than beginning that process together now.
You need more information regarding becoming a mother than you currently have. Firstly, I suggest that you make an appointment with a fertility specialist to obtain a medical opinion regarding your current fertility. Secondly, I advise you to have a heart-to-heart with your beloved about adoption. Why is he closed to it as an option? Perhaps there are some misconceptions which can be cleared up with more information.
His concern may be adopting a child without knowing whether or not the baby has a family history of medical or mental problems. An open adoption arrangement with full medical and mental family history disclosure may allay his concerns in that regard. Surrogacy is another option worth considering.
If the two of you choose to work with a surrogate and your doctor can use your eggs, the baby will be as fully your biological child as his. If your eggs are no longer viable, the two of you can investigate the possibility of using an egg from someone on your side, like a sister or cousin, to include both of your families’ respective genetic backgrounds. Finally, it may be a good idea to have your boyfriend’s sperm tested as well. The lab tests could find that you have a higher degree of fertility than he does. The bottom line is that you need more information. Knowledge is power.
In a nutshell, trust your guy to hear you out and be supportive of your feelings. Get more information. And work as a team to bring a child into your lives.
I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together. Please send your wedding and baby photos to [email protected]. Celebrating personal milestones with my readers is my favorite part of writing this blog!
All the best,
Kathy
P.S. Readers, if you have faced a similar dilemma, please share your story. Your comments and feedback are always welcome. E-mail letters to [email protected]. Although I can’t respond to every letter online, I do read each and every one!
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