Dear Kathy,
My fiancé broke up with me over a year ago and I’m still really depressed about it. It feels like it happened yesterday.
My friends keep telling me to move on and date other people, but I just can’t move forward until I figure out what happened. I feel emotionally numb and completely devastated.
We had a great relationship for years and then poof, it was over from one day to the next. I can’t figure out where it went wrong. When we first met, we had instant chemistry and we became inseparable.
I spent so much time over at his place that it made the most sense for me to give up my apartment and move in with him. We had frequent conversations about getting engaged down the line, too. He talked about it as much as I did.
We lived together for a year and it was great. The only problem was that every time I brought up the subject of getting officially engaged, it would start a fight. He said I was pressuring him and I needed to give him his space.
After our second anniversary, I gave him an ultimatum and he dumped me. He said that things weren’t working out and we needed to end it.
I know that we’re a perfect fit for each other and if I didn’t give him an ultimatum, we'd still be happy together. I don’t understand what happened. I keep obsessing about it.
Sincerely,
“Sondra”
Dear Sondra,
The bottom line is that you wanted a permanent connection with him and to build a family together. He wanted to live together and enjoy your relationship in a casual capacity, without the responsibility implicit in making it “official.”
Your situation is, sadly, a common one. Although you are bearing the emotional pain of your boyfriend’s rejection, it is not personal. The two of you simply have different emotional needs and they are mutually exclusive.
Please keep me updated on your journey through this painful time. For future reference, it is often not in a woman’s best interests to live with someone to whom they’re not married. Co-habitating makes it easier for unmotivated boyfriends to drag their feet on the path to marriage.
All my best,
Kathy
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