Divorce Mediation

Divorce Mediation
Katherine Smith
10/15/2013
Updated:
4/24/2016

Dear Kathy,

     My husband and I have been living separate lives for over three years and we both want to finalize our divorce. We feel overwhelmed at the thought of spending a year of our time and a big chunk of money dealing with lawyers and the court system. I’ve heard about divorce mediation but I’m not sure if it could work for us. How can we evaluate our options?

Separated and Ready to Move on

 

Dear Separated,

     There are three options available to divorcing couples: litigated divorce, mediation, and collaborative divorce. Each of the three options is best for some couples. Only you and your spouse can determine what will work best for you. 

     In a litigated divorce, each party hires an attorney as well as independent experts to evaluate the worth of joint assets. A judge or arbitrator makes the final decisions regarding equitable division of assets as well as spousal support and child custody determinations.

      In divorce mediation, a neutral third party (usually a psychotherapist or an attorney) assists the couple to identify and evaluate their joint assets, determine spousal support, as well as create a workable parenting schedule for minor children. All final decisions are made by the couple themselves. Mediation is generally the most inexpensive, fastest, and least acrimonious manner in which to divorce because of its inherent cooperative nature.

     I admit to a certain bias towards mediation as I am a professional mediator myself. The reason for my bias is the many benefits of mediation versus litigated divorce. Mediation is relatively inexpensive because couples limit their lawyers’ involvement in the process. Additionally, couples hire one expert whom they both feel comfortable with in order to evaluate the worth of their assets. In litigated divorces, parties hire separate experts to represent them individually in the proceedings. 

     Mediation is generally faster than litigation because the couple need only coordinate their own schedules to coincide with that of the mediator’s. In litigated divorce, the couple, the lawyers, and the court must all coordinate their schedules.

     Mediation is a self-determined process as the couple, not a third party in a black robe, determines the best solutions for their respective famiy. The mediator’s role is to monitor the emotional temperature in the room to enhance productive discussions and minimize personal attacks. Therefore, divorcing couples tend to maintain a measure of civility towards one another once the divorce is finalized. This is contrary to litigation, which by its adversarial nature, often inflames hurt and angry feelings.  

     Collaborative divorce is a hybrid between litigation and mediation. In a collaborative divorce, each party hires an attorney. A neutral third party mediator is retained to maintain a positive emotional temperature in the room. All 5 people (the couple, their attorneys, and the mediator) are present during the negotiations. The attorneys advocate for the divorcing couple, conferring with their respective clients when necessary.

     The determining factor regarding which option is best for you is how well you and your Soon2Bx communicate. If you can talk to each other in a mutually respectful and reasonable manner, I suggest mediation. Both of you should absolutely engage your own respective divorce attorneys in order to assure that your individual best interests are being served by any stipulations you agree to in mediation. Your attorneys’ role will be to serve as a resource for you to ask questions during the mediation process and to preview the Memorandum of Understanding (M.O.U.) document prior to your signing it. Never sign any legally binding document without having a lawyer look at it beforehand.

     If you fear your spouse or are uncomfortable advocating for yourself, a collaborative or litigated divorce may be a better option for you. I wish you all the best moving forward. Please let me know how things work out!

Blessings,

Kathy

Readers, please feel free to comment on this blog post and send your letters to [email protected]. Hearing from you makes my day!

 

is a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as a gifted divorce mediator in NYC. She is a former high school English teacher and college counselor with a passion for enhancing the lives of others. Additionally, Katherine has extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, family systems, and group therapy. Readers can contact her at [email protected].
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