Dear Kathy,
I attended parent teacher conferences at my daughter’s school and I am very upset about what one of her teachers said to me.
My daughter had a medical issue and was out of school for several weeks. I called the school the first day she was absent to let the attendance coordinator know what was going on.
My daughter had her friends get her assignments to her so she wouldn’t fall behind. For the most part, her teachers were very understanding about her situation and let her make up missed assignments for full credit.
Her math teacher has a reputation for being tough on the kids and he failed her for the first marking period. He said she missed too many quizzes and tests to pass. He also said that he didn’t know she was out for a medical reason and that he should have been informed personally.
This is my daughter’s junior year and her grade point average is going to be significantly lower with a 55 in math. This teacher is being very unfair to her and I want to talk to the principal and the parent advocate about it so it gets straightened out. My daughter wants me to just leave the situation alone. What do you think?
Angry Mom
Dear Devoted Mom,
You are clearly a responsible and devoted parent. My suggestion is that you allow your daughter to develop her own sense of responsibility via addressing her academic situation on her own, regardless of the potential outcome. By taking a stand you may deprive your daughter of fully maturing into the independent adult she will soon become.
As our children grow, our roles in their respective lives change in relation to them. Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you and your daughter to have a heart-to-heart discussion about her emotional needs in general and what she wants from you, in particular.
As far as the school situation is concerned, consider limiting your role as a resource to your daughter versus an advocate for her. Think about allowing her to decide what help, if any, she wants from you . There is no greater boost to our children’s self-confidence than loving, involved parents (like you) having enough confidence in them and their decision-making abilities to encourage them to manage their own minor conflicts (as appropriate to their age, maturity level, and temperament).
As a general rule, the less we say and do the more our children will share with us about their private thoughts and personal lives. Most importantly, as they mature into young adulthood, we have the opportunity to become their confidantes. Being invited into their inner sanctum of trusted advisors is entirely dependent on our personal restraint. When we push our own agenda, even out of loving concern for their welfare, they react by barring us from their inner worlds to the greatest degree possible.
On a personal note, I have 4 teen-agers myself. Plus, I’m a highly opinionated Jewish mother. Shutting up doesn’t come naturally. I feel your pain! The advice I’m giving you is hard won on my part. My oldest three girls and I have had many a knock-down drag-out fight over situations in their own lives which they felt capable of managing on their own. My famous last words have been, and remain, “ I love you and I just want to help! Why can’t you see that?”
My advice is to allow yourself to be invited to act on your daughter’s behalf. If she doesn’t extend the invitation for you to act as her advocate in this matter, accept it with grace.
Best Wishes,
Kathy
P.S. Lest you’re left wondering if my fourth teen-ager “gets it” and allows me to help without trying to block me - wish it were true! He’s a 13 year old boy and he just ignores me, lol.
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