There is some evidence that the house party—ideally a dinner party—is coming back after a long hiatus, which has raised the question: how to be a good guest? It’s true that books are filled with instructions for hosts and hostesses. There are not many guides to being a guest though some people are trying.
The problem begins with being out of practice. Only a few years ago, people were told not to gather with friends in their homes, warned not to celebrate holidays. Public health messaging was that people are disease vectors. Masks and shots were enormously divisive of families and communities. Civic organizations broke up and friend networks were shattered.
The liturgy of social life itself was wrecked to the point that people developed genuine phobias about being together. Today, people are having to retrain themselves in the art of social engagement. And it is an art, one we might take for granted. Like all art, it starts with skills and resulting confidence in the use of those skills.
The first order of business of any guest is simply to observe something lovely in the home or venue and point it out. It could be the decor, the candles, the music, or just the overall feel of the place. The comment can be nothing more than “This home feels so warm and inviting.” A comment like that will immediately make you popular with the hosts.
But let’s back up one step with the great question of what time should you arrive. For some odd reason, the phrase “fashionably late” began to circulate around some decades ago. Here’s the truth: it is not real. Late is late and it breeds resentment when there is no good excuse. You should be on time or 5-10 minutes late at most.
As for dress, think higher not lower. You will always flatter your hosts by dressing up rather than down, and you risk causing an evening of offense simply by choosing grubbies over your finer wear. Let’s say you are dressed better than anyone else there. Is that a risk? It is not. It only suggests that you think highly of the occasion.
Another point: the only wisdom not to arrive empty handed still pertains. Flowers, wine, a jar of jam, anything works. Wrapped is nice but not necessary.
If you arrive on time with a gift and are dressed up, you have already succeeded. That’s the easy part. The conversation comes next and it should always open with something positive about the guests, the invitation, the home or scene, the smell in the kitchen, or just how nice it is to see others in this fine season.
It’s remarkable what a kind and happy word will do. Years ago, I took note of how at events people at tables eating frequently complain about the food, the rubber chicken, the hard rolls, the overcooked beans, and the negativity spreads as everyone agrees. I always do the opposite and comment on how remarkable it is that so many people are being fed this wonderful food at the same table and how marvelous it is that the staff is able to pull off this feat. That kind of positivity is also infectious and this lifts up the scene.
As much as possible, make every conversation about others in the room, not with prying questions but with a gentle invitation for others to talk while offering genuine curiosity and interest in the views and opinions of others. There is never a reason to fight or argue. If you hear something disagreeable, you can contest it gently: “That’s fascinating but what would you say those who say” something different.
Mostly the old rule is true: parties are not the place to argue about politics and religion. You can disagree as much as you like but it is best to keep it to yourself. Your integrity is not on the line here. Your job is to be a good guest and that absolutely requires being delightful above all else.
Concerning alcohol, always be extremely careful. Alcohol is considered a social lubricant but let that point pertain to others and seek to be more sober than the group at all times. That way you keep your wits about you even if everyone else is losing track of propriety. There is never a problem in simply not drinking alcohol. These days, people respect that.
Your eating manners come at a premium on these occasions. If it is a finger food setting, don’t eat off the trays with your fingers. Use whatever forks or tongs are present and put the food in a separate plate and eat that way. It might seem silly at first but remember that people are looking and judging. Just as there is never a problem in dressing up, being on your best manners is always good advice.
If it is a sitdown dinner, men should never be seated before the ladies have sat. And never grab at any food that happens to be there until everyone has been seated, napkins in laps, and the sign to begin has been given by the host. If you make it this far, you are doing extremely well, since these days, most people will mess this part up.
The dinner conversation is the core of the evening, that which is remembered the most by everyone. There is a temptation on the part of shy people to speak to the one person to the left or right as a kind of comfortable way. Ideally, this should not happen. Dinners for anywhere between 4 and 10 people should have one conversation only so that way everyone can listen and everyone can participate. Side conversations carried on too long can verge on rude.
Obviously this does not apply at a backyard gathering or an event at the park. But in general, the principle pertains. Conversations should not be persistently private and should be welcoming of others.
Regarding table manners, don’t think for a moment that they do not matter. They do. You will be judged for them, not openly but secretly. You will be judged for your upbringing, class standing, patience and carefulness, and so much more. People will be able to tell more about you by how you hold your fork than anything you say that evening or anything you will. It is the actual tell about who you are. There is never anything wrong with reading or watching a refresher course.
And you know that old line about elbows on tables? It’s real. Just don’t do it.
I hope I should not have to say this but I will. Keep your phone in your pocket. Don’t think about it. Don’t pull it out for notifications. Don’t look something up because someone at the time doesn’t know about the topic. Just forget that you have one, and ideally shut it down completely for the duration of the party. Pulling out the phone is indeed disrespectful of those present. No one will tell you that but they will think it.
For some odd reason, many inexperienced guests do not know how to leave a party. They might think it is rude or that the host will be insulted by a too-early departure. This simply is not true. And when it comes time to leave, you absolutely must find the hostess and host and thank each personally. You cannot go until you have done that. No exceptions, ever.
The next step is simple: Go. Do not hold people up at the door exit with last thoughts or a soliloquy that comes to mind thanks to the wine you drank. Just skedaddle and let others get back to the party. That is the only polite way.
As for the followup, can we please bring back the thank you note? It’s so easy to do with a text or an email, and so much appreciated. A physical letter is probably too much to ask but it would be ideal. In any case, an event like a dinner or cocktail party of any size is not complete until the thank you note is written. It is easy not to do but then don’t be surprised if you are not invited back.
Parents used to train their children to write thank you notes. This must have stopped at some point. It needs to begin again. It is part of your obligation.
To be charming, delightful, and a great listener, to dress well and arrive on time, to use your best manners, to follow up with a thank you—these are the whole duty of a guest. Do those things and you will be the toast of the town in time, and contribute mightily to bringing back what we’ve lost in this time of social fragmentation.
