By Tugba Yanaz
It’s a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon, and I am listening to my coaching client discuss a repeating altercation she has experienced with her peer. Let’s call this individual Dan. It’s been another week of Dan critiquing her projects and team members during the staff meeting. She doesn’t think that Dan acts this way intentionally, not necessarily, but he continues to act this way unabated, dropping passive-aggressive comments and laughing down her suggestions week after week after week. Every time she pursues a conversation with him to discuss his behavior, he responds with shock at the suggestion that his manner is nothing other than stellar, essentially gaslighting her.During our meeting, I can read the anger and frustration on her face. Her arms fly in aggressive, frantic motion. She feels victimized by her situation, as if there is no other option but to quit. But she actually doesn’t want to do that. She is a fulfilled, well-respected senior executive at a consumer electronics brand. She grew up in the industry, starting as a program manager and moving up, through leading product management and retail to running the entire operations of her organization. She loves her job. She is intelligent, vibrant, and humble. She knows her stuff inside and out. And yet, she is quickly impacted by interrogations and criticisms by her peers. When I challenge her on how she can better share crucial feedback with Dan, there is a long silence. I can read the inner monologue on her face:He will never change ... He will gaslight me... What if I get emotional in the conversation? Or worse, what if his interrogations get worse?
