The festive invitation you received in the mail has been taunting you for days. It sits there on your desk, or taped to the side of the refrigerator, reminding you of an event you’d rather avoid but really need to attend.
Just the thought of it turns your stomach into a knot.
If you’re introverted, shy, or both, the last thing you probably want to do is go to a holiday party. Given a choice, you’d just as soon stay home, curled up by the fire with a good book or binge-watching something on Netflix.
It doesn’t have to be that way. While you’re still going to be an introvert after the calendar flips to January, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the holiday party season. Following these simple tips from experts will help this social season and beyond.
Look in the Mirror
Mental health counselor and best-selling author Gregory Jantz suggests starting with some introspection before the party.“Ask yourself, is this creating a problem in your life and is it causing you to be unhappy? And you need to answer this question honestly. ‘Do I have social anxiety that keeps me from doing what I really want to be doing?’” he said.
If you find yourself admitting that it would be nice if you could enjoy a party like everyone else, you can begin preparing yourself to go.
Do the Prep Work for Peace of Mind
Some simple planning can go a long way in helping you feel more energized and confident. Mr. Jantz believes many small steps can eliminate a bit of anxiety—even your wardrobe.
“What you do to prepare is so important. Pre-plan, right down to your clothing. What will you wear that you feel the most comfortable in, and make you feel most important?” he said. It’s the old adage that if you look good, you feel good about yourself.
Loosen up by doing some exercises to reduce the stress you may feel with getting a party invitation. (All illustrations by The Epoch Times)
Etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, suggests listening to your favorite music or engaging in a hobby to help calm nerves. Exercise, even a brisk walk, can also reduce stress and increase endorphins, making you feel more relaxed and confident.
She also assigns some homework before the party: “Research the event and the attendees if possible. Knowing who will be there and what common interests you might share can provide a sense of comfort and readiness.”
Have Some Back-Pocket Conversation Starters
When it comes to conversation, plan some questions that can start a friendly, casual discussion. Ms. Whitmore offers a hint: “Everyone loves to talk about food and travel!”Starting any conversation with a compliment will always put someone else at ease.
“Compliments about something specific, like a piece of clothing or an accessory, can be good icebreakers,” Ms. Whitmore said. “Also, people love to talk about their pets.”
For people you haven’t met, use the old standby, “Who are you connected to here?”
Bethany Friske, founder of the etiquette school Doors of Success in Michigan and Minnesota, suggests brushing up on current events.
“I encourage people to be aware of what’s going on in your community. There are lots of topics we can use as small talk,” she said.
Here are some other suggestions:
- Did you travel anywhere interesting this year?
- What are your plans for the holidays?
- Do you have any interesting holiday traditions?
- What did you think of [the latest big game or fun water-cooler news story]?
- Have you seen [pick a recent movie or TV show]?
Phone a Friend
Mr. Jantz says an introvert can really make things easier by bringing a trusted friend along, who becomes sort of a “reverse wingman”—someone who can help get things started, as kindling does for a fire. Think of this person as an “armor bearer” who can help initiate the discussion. Still, always have a few questions prepared to start a conversation with anyone.Settle Your Stomach
You might be tempted to “loosen up” with a few cocktails before a party to lower inhibitions—but it’s probably the worst thing you can do. Mr. Jantz says you’ll lose if you turn to booze.
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions—which can spell disaster if you’re naturally a more anxious type.
“Alcohol will really make you more anxious,” he said. As a central nervous system depressant, “it will amplify anxiety and symptoms of depression. You will want to keep drinking.”
And at a holiday party that will more than likely feature enough desserts to send anyone into a sugar coma, Mr. Jantz advises eating smart about two hours before you arrive.
“We tend to get anxious when we don’t get enough protein. Your blood sugar drops and you will feel anxious.”
Do Some Recon
So now you’ve arrived. The first thing Ms. Friske suggests is “reading the room.”“Step off to the side and do a quick review of the room and where everything is located. Where are the food table, drink table, exits, restrooms? Gain a quick gauge of where things are right away.”
Look for the exits! A bathroom break is the perfect excuse to step out of a dreadful conversation.
Taking the time to do this lets you take a breath, and you’ll feel more comfortable and confident with a grasp of your surroundings.
This will also help if you later need to escape a conversation taking a turn for the uncomfortable. You can simply say, “I’m going to freshen up my drink” to break away.
Ms. Friske recalled a former student who “was very much an introvert, but [is] not an introvert now. She’s no longer nervous in a big group. She told me the biggest help was gauging the room.”
Make Your Move
While taking a breath and reading the room, observe who is present and make an intentional decision about who you want to talk to. Make sure one of the first people you talk to is the host or hostess, and thank that person for the invitation. Good manners will go a long way toward making an impression at any party.From there, make it your goal to talk with at least three to five people.
Oftentimes, when you have stepped aside to observe, someone will come up to talk to you in that moment. If not, Ms. Whitmore has this advice:
“If you find yourself in a room full of couples or groups, look for other individuals who might also be alone. Approaching another solo attendee can feel less intimidating, and they’re likely to appreciate the company.” Another strategy is to join a group discussion, which can also be a way to blend in without the pressure of a one-on-one conversation.
Ms. Friske has noticed how men and women are wired differently when it comes to parties:
“Often women end up gathering in a huddle, grouping to chat. Not intentionally; it just happens. As a reminder to introverted men, don’t be intimidated by a group of women talking. They will be flattered if you come up to meet them and engage in conversation.”
But she warns that guys should watch their body language and gauge if it’s a private conversation. She encourages men to be gentlemen, saying women still really appreciate that.
Take the Focus Off Yourself
Another one of Ms. Friske’s students, Mary Miller, says techniques such as preparing questions and reading the room have made a huge difference in her life. But what made the biggest difference for her was shifting her focus off her own discomfort or awkward feelings and instead focusing on helping others in the room feel more comfortable. When she did this, she began to notice how little she worried about interactions and how much fun she was having in large group and party settings.“Looking for someone else who seems uncomfortable and putting them at ease is still my favorite part of every party, and has led to some wonderful meetings and lifelong friendships,” Ms. Miller said.
Keep the Conversation Going
After using your back-pocket conversation starters, don’t forget the follow-up.“Conversation is like playing volleyball: One throws the ball back and forth; you don’t keep the ball, it must be given away. The same goes for small talk,” Ms. Friske said. Remember, don’t hog the conversation or stand in silence; throw a question back to keep it going.
The key to being engaging during conversations is to be a good listener. And by their very nature, introverts know how to do that well.
“Becoming a good conversationalist is a skill that must be practiced—for both introverts and extroverts,” she said.
Adam Purvis, a sales account manager and self-described introvert who has learned to navigate networking events and parties over the years, pointed out an advantage that introverts have here.
“The biggest strength that introverts tend to have over their extroverted counterparts is that they are far stronger active listeners,” Mr. Purvis said.
He encourages fellow introverts to play to this strength, offering follow-up questions and observations that show they’re “100 percent engaged. People love to feel like they’ve been heard, and if you can ask good questions to show that you’ve been listening, the quality of your conversations will increase dramatically.”
Avoid the real electronic conversation killer that’s in your purse or pocket: Resist the temptation to use your phone as an escape or crutch if you’re not involved in a conversation.
Make Your Gracious Exit
At the end of the evening, don’t forget the somewhat lost art of the simple thank-you. Find the host or hostess, and thank that person again for the invitation.After the party, a handwritten thank-you note in the mail goes a long way. They’ll be sure to send you an invite when a party is on the calendar in the future—and next time, you might actually look forward to it.
Once you’ve done the prep work and embraced your innate strengths, there’s nothing else waiting for you but good times. (Shutterstock)
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