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Dear Kathy,
My husband and I have a bright, active, 2-year-old son and busy full-time jobs. We get very little time to ourselves, and it is rare for us to get a date night together.
But when we do get this time to ourselves, my husband spends half of his time fiddling on his cell phone, and seems very distracted. He also does this at home during meals, and every other time that we seem to have some time to ourselves, or time together as a family.
How do I get my husband to pay attention to me instead of his cell phone? I know that he is busy, but shouldn’t there be some sacred times where he can just leave it at home or away from the dinner table?
Signed,
Depressed in Denver
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Dear Depressed,
Truth be told, delightful as children are, an aphrodisiac they are not. With busy full-time jobs and an active toddler, it’s no wonder that creating “couple time” is a challenge. I strongly advise you to commit to a long weekend trip for just you and your husband. Rediscover each other, play together again. As for childcare, extended family members can be a wonderful resource.
I urge you to make a conscious decision to choose to believe that your husband has a valid reason for fiddling with his phone. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by his job responsibilities, suffering from generalized anxiety, has ADHD, or is finding it difficult to create a clear boundary between work and home.
If you approach this issue with warmth and understanding, you will maximize the odds that you and your man will reach a mutually satisfactory solution. You may even find out that he feels equally unimportant to you and responds enthusiastically to your reaching out to him.
Assess the possible reasons for your depressed state. Are you exhausted by working outside the home for long hours and then coming home to a little one and a mountain of housework? I am a big believer in the therapeutic benefits of household help. If you can afford even four hours of a professional cleaning person per week, you and your husband will be spared the heavy cleaning chores (mopping the floors, scrubbing the bathroom(s) and kitchen, etc.). Think about coming home to a clean house and relaxing together as a family instead of coming home to the second shift.
Do you have a history of depression? When was your last complete physical exam? Are you less than fulfilled by your career? I think that you will be well-served by slowing down and giving yourself permission to take a break and relax. Plan dinner with a friend, take a course in a subject you are interested in, sign up for an exercise class.
Very often, once we marry and have children, we subjugate our own needs to those of our families. I will tell you from personal experience that the old adage remains true, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Give yourself permission to devote some time and energy to healthy self-care. It is impossible to give to others from a depleted well.
Please keep us updated on your journey. My thoughts are with you!
Until Monday,
Kathy
Katherine H. Smith combines her 46 years of life experience, 18 years of marriage, and raising 5 children, with an M.S.Ed. in guidance and counseling and an M.A. in marriage and family therapy. To address your concerns, please send your letters to askKathy@epochtimes.com. Please include a contact phone number and e-mail address.
Information provided in this column is not intended to be used as a substitute for specific medical or psychological advice.
