“When are you going to have children?” It’s a question that many couples hear, and though the well-meaning people who ask it more than likely mean no harm, as mother of two Adele Barbaro points out, those few words can cause a great deal of stress.
Barbaro wrote on her Facebook page for her blog, The Real Mumma, about her experience of being questioned about when she and her husband, Paul, were going to have children, and many seem to agree with her—when a couple chooses or chooses not to have a baby is a private matter.
In August 2015 Adele gave birth to her first child and it wasn’t as easy as some may think.
Adele recalls when she and her husband were newly married and they were often asked when they planned to have children. She would tell people that they were still enjoying each other’s company or that she wanted to focus on her career first.
Then one day she was fed up with not being honest. She felt it was time to let others know that for some couples it’s not easy to conceive.
“They would tell me that I’m not going to be young forever or that my maternal clock was ticking,” she wrote. “And believe me, I knew it. I just didn’t need to hear it from everyone else.”
Adele had trouble getting pregnant so she and Paul tried everything they could.
In her post Adele wrote how the couple had just come back from an appointment and while she felt defeated by the news, her husband remained optimistic and suggested they “try the treatments suggested,” even if it meant they would have a long and difficult journey ahead of them.
The couple tried in vitro fertilization, but month after month it seemed like one heartbreak after another. Adele wrote that at one point it seemed like everyone around her was becoming pregnant and it left her feeling “bitter, desperate, and depressed.”
“IVF sucks,” Adele wrote on Facebook. “It is the most time consuming, invasive, expensive and emotionally painful roller coaster I have been on. It actually broke me. You have so much invested in the process, financially and emotionally, that it consumes your every thought.”
The couple’s IVF experience left Adele emotionally and financially drained.
Then about a year after Adele and Paul first started the IVF treatments, Adele had exciting news—she was pregnant. She described herself and her husband as the “lucky ones” while making note that many other couples may not be as lucky.
But what about those who might not want children or the ones who have lost a baby or the ones who can’t afford to have a child? They are forced to think of an answer every time someone questions their choice, and that’s why Adele says although you may think it’s an innocent question, it’s best not to ask.