Are You Really Listening?

Children crave talking to people they can trust and may tell you things that you wish were not true.
Are You Really Listening?
Michael Jackson at an awards ceremony in 1983.
Michael Courter
10/22/2010
Updated:
10/1/2015

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MICHAEL COURTER (Courtesy of Michael Courter)
My son has changed! His grades have gone down from A’s to D’s. When he is home, he spends his time at home in his room with the door closed. The worst part is that when I try to talk to him he gets really annoyed, puts his head down, and says he does not want to talk to me. What should I do?
Welcome to adolescence, American style. This is one of the most common scenarios that therapists who work with adolescents see, and there is a very powerful opening move you can make to begin resolving this situation.

A typical case looks like this: The parent drags the child into therapy, sometimes with the assistance of law enforcement, out of a desperate hope that I can magically talk to the child and fix his behavior. The child moans, groans, and tries to find something in the room to stare at so as to avoid looking at me or the parent. The child knows this whole thing is a waste of time.

The parent begins to explain all of the problems with the child, making sure that I know how bad the child is behaving. As I am told how bad the child is, the child disengages further and further, burying his face into his arms or trying to get the parent to stop talking.

The parent will eventually describe how frustrated he or she is that the child will not talk or listen. Then I will state to the parent, “The reason why Johnny (my over-typical client) does not listen to you is because you are not listening to him.”

The parent is often a little surprised, but Johnny loves it! The parent will then go on to talk about all of the attempts made to talk and communicate, and I reassure the parent, “If Johnny thought you were really listening, he would definitely talk to you.”

What is really listening? It is very different from listening to a person’s words while thinking about how to make your counter-argument. Listening requires keeping your ears open to what a person is saying, but it is even more important to listen with your eyes, mind, heart, and your soul all wide open.

It is very important to put aside judgment at this point, as well as consequences to what you are being told. (There may be a time for this later). Look at your children with fresh eyes. Remember how much you care about them. Fight the urge to disagree or assign blame. Absorb all of what they are telling you. It is more than just words. They want your love. They want your acceptance. They want you to understand them!

If you can achieve this state, you will feel its power. Your child will look suddenly different. You will see, hear, and feel your child’s fear, sorrow, strength, pride, and shame. Typically, you have not reached your goal until tears are shed and the realization of the size of the gulf that has developed in your relationship.

There may be obstacles in reaching this point. Your child may tell you something to shock you, attack you, or test your response. Children may try to recreate the gulf because it is easier for them to hide from their feelings than be close to you.

You may need to create the right opportunity or activity to talk to your child. It does not need to be a face-to-face discussion. I find walks and car rides to be better than meals. You may need to share something vulnerable about yourself to get the door to open. However, if you persist at listening, it will be very hard for your child to resist talking to you.

People just have an incredibly strong need to be understood. If you practice this listening enough, you will find many people sharing their secrets with you and may have to develop techniques to stop them.

Children crave talking to people they can trust and may tell you things that you wish were not true. The modern world is a precarious place for children, full of temptations and dangers. They indeed need your help to guide them through it, and you will be in a much better position to do this when your relationship is close, your communication is open, and your trust is strong.

This powerful technique is just an opening move to begin to address the problematic behaviors that some children engage in. I would like to hear how this works for you and about more situations from families. Please write to me at [email protected].

Michael Courter is a clinical social worker, family therapist, and entrepreneur in Northern California.
All the advice and answers provided by the columnist are general in nature and are intended to be used for educational and/or entertainment purposes only. Information provided in this column is not intended to be used as a substitute for specific medical or psychological advice, nor should you consider it as such.

Michael Courter has a master’s degree in Social Work with distinction from California State University Chico and is certified in Parent Child Interaction Therapy. He has been treating individuals and families since 2006.
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