American Life: Resolutions, Schmesolutions

January 1, 2015 Updated: January 1, 2015

As part of my official pre-column procrastination ritual, I filled out a Department of State survey about passport services. Means of selection, random. Expiration date, 12/31/2014. You’re welcome, Department of State!

My good workplace imported a real-live fountain of reportorial and editorial wisdom, Jacqui Banaszynski, to train us. She asked if any of us procrastinate before we write. Hands went up.

She described her own process, which involves ever deeper levels of cleaning, until her baseboards shine. She described a colleague who could only write with shoes off and feet sideways in a desk drawer. It seems we are as quirky and superstitious as old-time ball players.

So my resolution is this: I ain’t going to feel guilty about anything less than crimes or meanness. I ain’t going to sweat it.

If it’s 4:21 pm EST (it is) and my story is due at 6, hey, it’s part of my creative process.

If my waistline is approaching Mrs. Claus levels (it is), I shall continue to admire the imaginary French who eat elegant portions of rich and esthetically pleasing things. But I shall remain an American who eats inelegant portions. I will let my Martha Stewart flag fly.

It began sending me plaintive emails asking me to log my food.

My New Year’s resolutions are all about live and let live. Tolerance.

Yours better be too! Oops, I mean, it’s fine if you want to join CrossFit and forge elite fitness, and eschew all carbs. I forgot about my resolution for a minute.

Couple of nights ago, I was fooling around on my phone and downloaded a weight-loss app. As far as I could tell, the main way to log your food was, wait for it, to scan the bar code of your manufactured food-like product. This aggravated me so much, as an eater of real vegetables, that I uninstalled the app. Despite that, it began sending me plaintive emails asking me to log my food. I hope if I ignore it long enough it will forget me.

So my 2015 resolutions are simple. If I do a crime (unlikely) or an unkind act (likely) I will not waste any emotion on it. I will examine myself and correct myself. Other than that, 2015 is a year to continue to be me. I wish you the very, very best, dear reader.