My husband is 50 years old and worked at the Beijing Chemical Factory. In 1979, he participated in the “Democracy Wall” movement and co-founded Explore, a democratic magazine. He was arrested and later released.

In 1992, he co-founded the Party for Freedom and Democracy in China with Hu Shigen and Kang Yuchun. He was arrested in May 1992 and was sentenced to 15 years in prison in December 1992. He’s already spent 11 years and 8 months in prison.

During these long years, our New Year’s days have been very different from other families’. The New Year’s Day of 1993 was the first time that the father was missing from our little family of three. I realized I wasn’t the only worried one, our son, Xiaoguang, was also suffering. He was only nine then, an age of innocence. I tried all I could to protect him, fearing that he might be hurt. On that New Year’s Eve, we had dinner with my parents-in-law. I tried to act happy and make him forget that his dad was missing. But every year after dinner on New Year’s Eve, I always feel a deep sorrow. How could I be happy when my dear husband is imprisoned? I feel my fake smile is so dull and contrived.

Every year we go through the routine. I try to pretend to be happy, despite the incompleteness of our family. I thought my efforts made up for the suffering my child’s heart was bearing. It wasn’t until 2003, when I read a speech my son wrote for his college class that I realized how deep the scar has been. He said, “As a child, what I remember most was my mother. When other families all gathered together after a day of work, I saw my mother, who had worked all day, go to sleep with a broken heart. At a young age, I learned the bitter taste of depression. Perhaps having a warm, peaceful home was my only childhood dream.”

I was surprised by Xiaoguang’s sensitivity. I also felt sorrow for my own experiences, and regret for not giving him a more innocent and carefree childhood.

January 22 will be the Chinese New Year again. With my grown son, I look back at the other New Years and begin to plan for this year. We miss our family members most at holiday times, especially since Jingsheng is imprisoned.

Since Jingsheng’s arrest, I have only taken our son to visit his father twice. Both times, Xiaoguang’s mood fluctuated a lot. He began to hate the police, who he used to admire. He also became vengeful and full of hatred. Thus, I decided to not to take him to that dark place anymore. But this year things are different. He is going to graduate from college and enter the real world. He is grown and is able to think independently and rationally. It’s time to take him to visit his father.

Another reason I want the two to see each other is that in recent years, Jingsheng’s physical health has deteriorated gradually. He used to be tall and strong, but now he has stomach and heart problems, and is emaciated. When I visited him in 2003, I noticed his hands were shaking and asked why. He said it had been that way for a long time, and he didn’t know the reason. The shaking gets even worse when he is carrying heavy things or is in a hurry. I was pained to see his situation, yet I have to face the reality and take responsibility for him. In March 2003, I requested medical parole for him to the Beijing authorities, but the request was denied.

Last month, I submitted my visit request during the Chinese New Year to the prison. To our surprise, we were told, “Liu Jingsheng does not wish to see his family.” How can that be possible? All families get together for the Chinese New Year, and Liu Jingsheng wants to spend it alone in a prison cell? This is completely unreasonable. I should point out that this is not the first time this has happened. Around New Year’s 2003, our request to visit was denied by the authorities for the same reason. I didn’t give up. I kept calling the prison. The prison said, “Liu Jingsheng said he doesn’t need a visit,” and he wrote a letter to express this. I didn’t get any letter to this effect. According to the rules, each prisoner is granted the right of one visit per month. However, when I went to Tuanhe Prison to see him, I was denied. The prison said Liu Jingsheng requested to not be visited. When I called the prison later, the prison said the visit notification was already sent, but we didn’t receive it.

We miss Jingsheng, and I am sure he is missing us around this holiday. We are waiting for the New Year when the three of us can celebrate together. January 22, 2004, this is our New Year. It belongs to us.