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"What did you do at your friend's house?" you ask your teenaged son over dinner.

He grins. "Stole a car, drove it into a crowd, and then fired a rocket launcher at a helicopter!"

Don't panic—he's probably just describing a session playing a new video game, Grand Theft Auto IV. Like its predecessors, the newest Grand Theft Auto is packed with raw subject matter: It features graphic violence, profanity, and sexual themes, set against the backdrop of a city that resembles New York almost exactly. Although the game isn't intended for kids under the age of 17, chances are that your kids or their friends won't have any trouble acquiring a copy.

Some parents have no problem with their kids playing violent games, because they trust them to know the difference between fantasy and reality, and they're glad to know where their kids are and what they're doing. Others see violent games as nothing more than murder simulators that desensitize kids to real-life pain and suffering. You might find yourself wondering: Are violent video games really bad for kids? And how can I find out about the kinds of games my kids want to play?

Be Aware of Possible Effects

Despite numerous studies, the effect of violent media on kids is difficult to pin down—not least because any such effect is bound to vary from one individual to another. One recent study by UK-based researcher Dr. Tanya Byron concluded that even trying to determine whether a game can be good or bad for all children may not be asking the right question:

"The very same content can be useful to a child at a certain point in their life and development and may be equally damaging to another child. That means focusing on the child, what we know about how children's brains develop, how they learn and how they change as they grow up. This is not straightforward—while we can try to categorize children by age and gender there are vast individual differences that will impact on a child's experience when gaming or online, especially the wider context in which they have developed and in which they experience the technology." (From Byron Review.)

Video games encourage experimentation within a set of rules that may not always be clearly defined at the outset. Part of playing a game is figuring out what its particular boundaries are. Furthermore, unlike movies or books, the experience of playing a video game is dictated in large part by the decisions the player makes. In the case of something like Grand Theft Auto, many of the gameplay possibilities that seem so horrifying are optional, and are in fact punished within the context of the game when the police start to chase the character.

Nevertheless, there's no question that many people do play mostly for the chance to engage in simulated criminal activity, free of any real-world consequences. And while no conclusive studies exist to prove any kind of long-term effect on kids who play these games, several reputable trials have shown that playing games does temporarily raise one's aggression level (as does playing sports). If video games lead to temper tantrums or even fights in your house, then you may have a problem.

You know better than anybody else where your children stand developmentally and temperamentally, and no one can make a better decision than you about what games are appropriate for them to play. The best thing you can do as a parent is to familiarize yourself with the games your kids want to play—sit down and play a round or two before your child has at it.

You can also get an idea of the nature of the game by its rating. All video games are rated by an independent organization called the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. The ESRB assigns each game one of the following ratings:

* EC -- Early Childhood
* E -- Everyone
* E10+ -- Everyone 10 and Older
* T -- Teen
* M -- Mature
* AO -- Adults Only

EC and AO ratings are extremely rare. The other ratings can be roughly equated with the movie ratings you're probably familiar with. The E rating is equivalent to a G rating in the film world, while a game rated M can be reasonably compared to an R-rated film -- in other words, M-rated games are not for kids.

But that one-letter rating can only tell you so much, and in this case one size doesn't necessarily fit all. On the back of every video game case, you'll see a short explanation for the ESRB's rating. The reasons could be violence, language, and/or sexual content, among others. A game rated T that depicts fantasy violence might not bother you as much as a T-rated game that features mild profanity. The rating is an excellent start, but check the video game case for additional information.

To learn more about a game, try reading what people on the Web have to say about it. The most popular video-game review sites, such as IGN.com and Gamespot.com, aren't necessarily writing with parents in mind. But by reading their reviews, you'll get a better idea of a specific game's thematic content. You can also find sites that speak directly to parents, such as WhatTheyPlay.com or GamingwithChildren.com.

Remember, too, that the majority of popular games these days are intended to be enjoyed by the whole family. The Nintendo Wii was created with inclusiveness as its mission, and several of its most popular games, like Wii Sports, WarioWare: Smooth Moves, and Mario Party, contain no violence and are meant to be played together. If your child expresses interest in a game that contains inappropriate content, it's likely there's a suitable alternative elsewhere on the shelf.

Particularly in the teen years, kids need to know why their parents make certain decisions, whether they agree with those decisions or not. Your kids are more likely to respect your decisions about the games they play if you make those decisions with diligence, and have specific reasons for allowing or banning them.

Enforce Rules

Set clear rules and apply them consistently. If that means that all M-rated games are off-limits in your house, then say so. If it means you'll review any potential game purchase on a case-by-case basis, then that should also be clear. But what happens if your child borrows an inappropriate game from a friend, or you find out that he's been playing such a game at the friend's house? You might consider calling the friend's parents and sharing your concerns with them.

Consider also enforcing a strict time limit on gameplay sessions. The appropriate amount of play time is something you'll have to determine for your child, but it should be the same each weekday, and longer on the weekends if you so choose. Ensure that game time doesn't take time away from things like homework and outdoor activities. As with most hobbies, playing video games can be a valuable and fulfilling part of a child's social and personal life. But it's equally important for him to experience a wide range of activities, places, and people.