Teaching Control
If your tweens are like most, they swear they won't smoke, drink, take drugs, or have sex until they’re married. They have learned that these things are very bad and can easily recite what happens to people who indulge in these evils: They end up addicted, with a baby, or dead.
Before you relax too much, though, keep in mind that in a few years, tweens will outgrow their black-and-white mentality. Before they are sixteen, they’ll have proof positive that people can smoke without dying of cancer, drink without killing anybody in a car wreck, take drugs without getting addicted, and sleep around without getting HIV or producing a pregnancy.
Then they’ll consider the “just-say-no” promises and the “Don't worry, Mom, I would never, ever …” commitments they made back in middle school to be null and void. After all, they only made them because they were so seriously misled by the string of half-truths adults feed little kids.
The “just say no” principle may work for younger, compliant tweens whose loyalty to parents reigns supreme, but it fails when the call of peers and tweens' own desires for excitement and love begin to take precedence. Before tweens can say “no” to anyone else, they must be able to say “no” to themselves even when the temptation to say “yes” is great. In other words, they must be able to control their impulses and assert themselves.
Impulse Control
To teach your children to control impulses, you must say “no” to them when they cannot say “no” to themselves, help them cope with feeling deprived, and praise them heartily for succeeding. Any time you deny your children something or ask them to wait, empathize with their disappointment.
Let your children know that you understand that it is difficult to wait until dinnertime to eat, to finish homework before watching TV, or to postpone playing until they have straightened their rooms. Be sympathetic that they must wait until they are fully independent to ride a dirt bike or do something else of which you strongly disapprove. After all, to them it is a very long time to wait.
When tweens are upset because they can't tolerate the stress of having to wait for something they wants now, help them find ways to calm themselves. Suggest they take deep breaths, try to think about something else, or find another way to occupy themselves. Let them know that you are proud of them for managing to contain themselves and settle down even though they are probably still feeling upset. Allow them to have their own feelings, even if they are angry or resentful, but insist that they express them appropriately.
Tween Assertiveness
Some kids benefit from hearing exactly what they can say to resist peer pressure. Role-playing is a good way to teach children to say, “I can't—my parents won't let me” and “No, my folks don't want me to do that.” Most younger peers and pro-social older ones readily accept such statements.
However, some will consider such statements the mark of a “baby” who has yet to emerge from the parents’ shadow and will tease the person. Instead, it might help for tweens to say, “No, I'm not interested in doing that,” or “My parents don't want me to and I'm tired of them hassling me.”
Invite your children to use you as the fall guy at any time. What matters is that they find ways to say “no” to activities and involvements that strike them as wrong or that they aren’t ready for. When role-playing, let your children act the part of a peer so you learn about the pressure they are up against and can give them suggestions that apply to the problems they face. The good news is that most children are glad to have the necessary verbal weapons to withstand peer pressure and make the decisions they know will keep them safe.
A Pound of Prevention
As enlightened teenagers who feel invincible enough to be undaunted by risk, children will be making life-altering decisions. As you teach about the dangers of drugs, gangs, and sex, help tweens understand why some people go for them anyway. Soon enough, they will be spending time with those people.
Help tweens learn to evaluate and contemplate risks in a more in-depth fashion instead of just telling them to avoid them at all costs. They will need to be able to answer the hard questions when tempted: What are the real risks to me personally? Why say “no” when I want to say “yes”? Why alienate friends and perhaps the love of my life by not going along with the crowd? Help tweens think about the pros and cons of engaging in risky behaviors by discussing the issues that affect them now.
FACT
Teens with a strong religious faith are more able to resist dangerous temptations than the average young person. If your child hasn't been attending organized services, the tween years are a good time to begin. Seek a church or synagogue with an active youth program so they can develop some friendships.
Children who are accustomed to being respected won't take to peers who don't respect them, so allow youngsters to have opinions different from yours, and respect their views even as you expect them to respect yours. For instance, discuss the pros and cons of seat belts. Is it worth the bother and hassle when car accidents are in truth rare? People often emerge from accidents unscathed even though they weren't wearing a seat belt. Whatever their views on the subject, they must still wear a seat belt, of course.
Citizens can work to change laws but must not break them, and it's important for them to learn the difference between thoughts and actions. Talk about what they can do if they’re in a car with a parent who is breaking the law by speeding or drinking. Is it best to live and let live so everyone does his own thing? Role-play some conversations so children know it's acceptable to get out of the car and round up another ride. If they can say “no” to an adult, they'll be more able to say “no” to another child.
Coed parties may be fine if an adult will be present, but coed sleepovers are an invitation to trouble. There's nothing wrong with a tween girl having a boyfriend if it means talking at recess and sitting together at lunch. If they go to the movies, make sure your tween understands that they must go as friends, not as dates.
Think carefully before allowing children to attend school dances. Between the intense social pressure and the sexually stimulating contact of some modern dance styles, it may be better to wait until tweens are official teenagers. Perhaps they can have a party the same night where they can have more wholesome fun.