My response to her question is below, and I hope it’s helpful to those of you who are putting a serious effort into making your own changes.
I understand that this is challenging. Basically, you have figured out that you feel better when you eat certain kinds of food and not so good when you eat other kinds of food. You have made a choice for yourself to eat in a way that you feel is healthy.
Usually, when we spend time with others, food is shared; it's a source of entertainment. We attach a lot of emotional and cultural meanings around food, and if you are not sharing in the food festivities, others often become concerned or offended.
When we enter into a relationship with another person, we are agreeing to share our lives with them and to make compromises. Sharing meals with each other is inevitable, but there are a few solutions to help you stay on track.
The Question
"To eat healthy I usually plan ahead for meals and snacks. However, when going to people's houses for a barbeque or holiday it is a bit more tricky. When visiting my boyfriend's parents, I can tell they think there is something wrong with the fact that I eat this way. They don’t understand organic, and look down on it for costing more money. The father makes cookies with refined sugars and when I eat one to be polite, he responds with, "That's it?" For Thanksgiving I made healthy fudge and healthy pecan pie. It was not appreciated; rather it was viewed as weird. Do you have any suggestions on how to resolve this?"
Answer
I understand that this is challenging. Basically, you have figured out that you feel better when you eat certain kinds of food and not so good when you eat other kinds of food. You have made a choice for yourself to eat in a way that you feel is healthy.
Usually, when we spend time with others, food is shared; it's a source of entertainment. We attach a lot of emotional and cultural meanings around food, and if you are not sharing in the food festivities, others often become concerned or offended.
When we enter into a relationship with another person, we are agreeing to share our lives with them and to make compromises. Sharing meals with each other is inevitable, but there are a few solutions to help you stay on track.
Just Go with It
Some people who have chosen a healthier lifestyle make the choice to eat what is offered to them when visiting another's home. They make this choice because they feel the communion around food and shared time with relatives and friends is healthier for them than feeling stress about sticking to their own diet.I think this choice works great if you are not trying to lose weight, you don't have allergies or sensitivities, and you don’t have a negative physical reaction to the food offered. It's important to make clear that this should be a choice and not something you do simply because you are afraid of conflict.
Accept Your Needs, and Show Acceptance to Others
Another solution is to recognize that you have different dietary needs than other people. Accept this about yourself, and accept them for the way they are. I believe it’s very important to avoid making others feel that the way you eat is "right" and the way they eat is "wrong." This is rarely effective at changing another’s point of view and it divides relationships.This is where establishing healthy boundaries begins. You can only control your own behavior: what you say, what you eat, and how you treat others. You cannot control how others will react to you. Having healthy boundaries means that you can make choices for yourself and be okay with saying "No" to others—it also means being okay with others not liking your choices.
When you make the choice to eat healthier, you have to recognize that you are going against the grain. Others are going to find it weird, and may want you to change. It comes as part of the "I'm choosing to eat healthy" package. Understanding this can help when someone feels offended by your choice not to eat something everyone else is sharing. Responding to them with love is key. For instance, "Oh wow! That looks wonderful. I bet it tastes great. I'm so sorry that I can’t share it with you. I have to be careful about my food choices because my body is really sensitive." Or, "That looks amazing! I bet you are a fantastic cook. I am such a weird eater though. I am into that kooky organic movement and eat like a rabbit."
Sometimes it's helpful to show other people that you have a sense of humor about it and that it doesn't have to be a heavy issue. It makes them feel accepted by you and shows that you don't expect them to eat the way you do.
If they keep pressuring you, politely be firm. If someone rejects you for what you eat, then there are personal issues they must deal with. You eating what they want you to eat just to keep peace is not really a solution to the problem.
Bringing Your Own Dish
Finally, when going to an event where you know the guests are not into healthy foods, bring something you know they like, even if you won't eat it. Or, bring something for you and something for them. Another option is to bring something healthy that everyone loves and doesn't think is weird, like strawberries or watermelon.Really, this is about setting boundaries for yourself while still being loving and accepting toward others. Remember that your friends and family don't want to feel rejected either. If your boyfriend's father says "That's it?" when you take just one cookie, then you have to just recognize that he's uncomfortable and accept that this is okay. Fortunately it's not a life threatening issue for anyone.
Melissa King is a life and wellness coach in New York City. She works with women on weight loss, better success in dating, and career satisfaction. Her Web site is www.myheartdances.com Contact her at melissa@myheartdances.com
