You Are Who You Are When No One Is Looking

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I disagree with the idea that, “You are who you are when no one is looking.” At first sight, it does seem like a pure and simple truth. The statement implies that if no one is looking, you are your complete self because you are not "people pleasing," adjusting yourself to impress others, or hiding aspects of yourself to avoid embarrassment. Therefore, you are being the "total and real you."

This statement was on a T-shirt or a sign that I passed this morning. I don't remember which because I was distracted by the slightly bad feeling it gave me. I found the statement to be a bit arrogant. But why? This is a statement that I would have believed and even been inspired by at one point in my life.

Being with Others

But I don't believe it now. In fact, I'm not even sure that every moment alone is a moment that an individual capable of being their complete self. C.S. Lewis once told about the death of a friend who was part of a group of people he was very close to. He lamented that he did not only lose his friend, but he lost the part of each person in that group that this friend brought out.

There are people in my own life who bring out characteristics in myself that aren't present when I'm alone. Each individual is different; some expose my humorous side, others expose my serious side, my silly side, my intellectual side, and so on. I delight in being able to experience these parts of myself. Without people, I would miss out on so much of who I am.

And like C.S. Lewis, I find that a special chemistry occurs when certain people are in a room together. There are characteristics of others that I never get to enjoy without that specific combination of people. And when one of those individuals is missing, I notice the absence, not just theirs, but what they bring out in the others.

Being Alone

Being alone can be a wonderful time to discover ourselves and enjoy aspects of life that we may not be able to enjoy with others. Perhaps an individual finds pleasure in being calm and quiet, but being around people brings out the energetic social butterfly in them. Just because they enjoy being calm and quiet does not mean that the social butterfly part of them is any less real.

All of these situations and circumstances bring out a part of our identity. Even our awkwardness tells us something about ourselves.

Where Your Purest Self Exists

Don't be fooled into thinking that absence of others is where your purest self exists. We need other people to experience every aspect of who we are. And that is a really beautiful thing!

Discover who you are in other people's presence as you also discover who you are when you are alone. There are gems to be found in both situations.

Melissa King is a life and wellness coach in New York City. She works with women on weight loss, better success in dating, and career satisfaction. Her Web site is www.myheartdances.com Contact her at  melissa@myheartdances.com