The 90s had Cheers-style bars where everyone knew your name; the 2000s had Starbucks where everyone knew your Venti No Foam No Whip Double Mocha Skim Frappuccino.
How Bucks convinced millions of Americans they had a Macchiato deficiency that required five dollars and 500 calories a day to treat is pure marketing genius.
Car designers molded “Grande grottos” into dashboards, “meals; other” became a line on expense reports that busted the budget, and caffeine residues in the waterways from coffee vendors—and even coffee drinkers an hour after they drank—made headlines in Portland.
But now, as the public’s Starbucks dollar shrinks and locations close, these Starbucks’ traditions may be on their way out too.
Power Apron Jobs
In the 90s, “power apron” jobs like Starbucks and Kinko’s were hot because they offered health coverage and tuition reimbursement and, unlike bar jobs, you didn’t have to sweep up cigarette butts. But six months after a Bucks tour, most baristas say espresso drunks are worse than their tavern counterparts because they don’t tip, get mellow, leave change on the counter, or know any Irishman jokes.
Size Lies
Just as Vegas casinos are clock-free zones, Starbucks are weights-and-measures-free zones. No one feels deprived with a small; it’s a “tall.” No one has to order a pint—as in brandy, I.V. or motor oil—it’s a “grande.” Who would have thought in the days of Mr. Coffee and Dunkin’ Donuts, people would drink a thermos worth of coffee at one sitting? Asking for “room” in the cup but not in their stomachs?
Driving While Cranked
Is it a coincidence that road rage debuted in the 90s along with 300-milligram caffeine drinks from Starbucks? Maybe instead of “Hang Up and Drive,” bumper stickers should say “Detox and Drive.” And how about the traffic jams caused by Cherokees, Navigators, and Pathfinders circulating for the one spot in front of a Bucks—and creating toxic plumes at the idle zones known as drive-through Starbucks?
No Kids, No Gray Hair
Often accused of gentrifying, Starbucks have few young or old patrons either. Kids are absent because they don’t drink coffee, and if they broke the $229 ceramic coffee bean grinder, their parents would be in deep doo-doo. But seniors? They’re not in career tracks that need a caffeine buzz … and balk at paying the equivalent of a gallon of gas for a mere beverage. Of course there are some gray heads on the other side of the counter (second careers, lower expectations).
Loitering With No Intent to Buy
Which came first, the “officeless” or Starbucks? Cyber squatters—texting their BFFs, perusing YouTube, editing their top friends list—created critical mass when Bucks first opened. Management might have even pitied the young laptoppers who’d never had a cube of their own, received a memo from a group V.P., or told a receptionist, “I’m at lunch.”
But the officeless use more electricity than they spend on the occasional Ethiopian Yirgacheffe blend. Worse, they schedule job interviews in their Starbucks’ “office” and tell recruiters they want to “utilize their interpersonal skills” while other patrons try not to laugh.
The Pause That Fattens
Because of the energy jolt from caffeine, sugar, mocha, and even butterfat, many think of a Starbucks drink as a fitness aid to enjoy before or after their workout. But at 200 to 600 calories—before the scone—there’s a lot of lifting and stepping to be done just to work off the drink, “no whip” though it might be. Pretty soon you’re addicted to the gym—and Starbucks.
Martha Rosenberg is a writer living in Chicago.
