While looking at Valentine cards for my husband, I kept straying into the “sympathy” card section. I had an epiphany of sorts—I realized that “matrimony” and “acrimony” are very similar words. Anyone who has been married for more than 10 years can vouch for that.
Planning a romantic Valentine’s Day is like anticipating a visit to the dentist. You know it’s expected, you can't avoid it, you’ll be relieved when it’s over, and you can brag about it later. It takes optimism to get married, courage to stay married, and senility to look back at it all.
On my wedding day I woke up with a red welt on my cheek, it rained buckets, and the front bumper of my fiancé's brand new car was stolen the night before. Actually, that was my second wedding (I’m an optimist). My first husband didn't even drive let alone own a car, and on our wedding night he guzzled a bottle of vodka and passed out. To him, romance consisted of eating food that I had cooked. Love: go figure.
This holiday finds me vindicated for the years I’ve spent yelling at my spouses that they’re deaf. Thanks to a recent study, women around the world finally have proof for what they have always suspected: MEN DON’T LISTEN. It seems that scientists have been monitoring the echoes that come out of the ear by putting a small microphone in the external ear canal and measuring the responses.
What they found out was astonishing. They documented that women have more sensitive cochlea than men and this difference is related to the male hormone androgen, which affects the development of the inner ear. Additionally, the brain of a developing male fetus is flooded with a testosterone wash that alters the brain functions relating to speech and listening skills. Women everywhere finally have scientific evidence that men are just as deaf as we have always claimed.
Not all men are Neanderthals. My sister recently found an exception to the non-speaking, non-listening, non-involved male. Finally, at the age of 40, she’s found that proverbial one in a million. Surprisingly, none of us want a play-by-play of his good qualities—we’re jealous.
It seems that during a two-hour journey home from skiing last month, she asked him if he wanted her to put on the radio. “Not unless you want to, honey—I’d rather talk.” (We all gasped upon hearing this.)
When it comes time for a weekend away, she just has to circle her calendar and he’s got it all planned and organized. He’s checked the tires on his car (it’s clean), he’s packed his own clothes (they’re clean), and after reviewing his neatly folded map, he shaved that morning (without her begging him). They recently wallpapered a room together and actually enjoyed it. I’m hoping that she’ll marry him so we can all be miserable.
Humorist and freelance scribe Joyce Faiola is a consultant/designer for the hospitality industry and lives in Connecticut. Her e-mail is JLFaiola@Juno.com
