Speak for Yourself

A common bad habit in our business culture is what I call universal speaking: including others in our conversations as if they think as we do.

For example, “When you get up in the morning you need that first coffee …”

“When you meet a new client, you have to establish rapport …”

Harmless? I don’t think so.

By including everyone in the universal “you,” we imply that everyone feels and acts identically?

This habit actually distances us from others. By including everyone in the universal “you,” we imply that everyone feels and acts identically. We cut ourselves off from others by rejecting the possibility that they have different experiences and may not share our values and viewpoints.

You don’t speak for me and I don’t speak for you. Speak for yourself and invite others to do so. 

If you doubt this contention, go to a movie and listen to people’s comments. They all watched the same film but experienced it differently. 

Ask yourself, “What’s it like to be the other person? What do things look like from their viewpoint?”

Dr. John Geier PhD., author of “Personal Profile System,” says: 

• You cannot motivate other people, but you can provide a motivational environment in which they motivate themselves.

• Each of us has our own private logic that makes sense to us no matter how bizarre our actions seem to others.

• People always pursue personal payoffs.

A false worldview is believing that, to perform at a high level, others need to share our beliefs. This contention takes us down the road of selling others on believing everything we believe, which often deteriorates into selling them on our worldview. 

In contrast, people with distinctly different beliefs often achieve spectacular results together without ever changing their individual beliefs.

For example, if we believe people fundamentally resist change, our actions reflect that belief. As a result, we design strategies and take actions to deal with the resistance that we may have caused. This sets in motion reactions to our actions which seem to confirm our beliefs. 

Let’s consider if we genuinely stimulate constructive dialogue or if we are simply reinforcing a climate of power and control.

Unfortunately, plenty of business literature implies that resistance is primarily the “fault” of the resistor. When resistors are chastised, ostracized, booted out, put down, dialogue suffers. But what if the ideas presented are poorly conceived or poorly presented? 

Let’s consider if we genuinely stimulate constructive dialogue or if we are simply reinforcing a climate of power and control.

If you’re up for facing reality with courage, listen for how many times you, and others, inadvertently shift into a manipulative mode. Ask yourself:

• Am I trying to produce an outcome, or simply get my way?

• Am I trying to get others to “buy in” to my worldview, or am I listening for differences and commitments that bring fresh views to the table?

• Am I trying to get others to believe something, or accomplish something? 

It’s critical to connect people’s deepest aspirations and highest values to the aspirations of the enterprise. 

Here’s the advice of our local professional football team’s general manager: “It’s important to review the game tape so you’re addressing what really happened, not what you thought happened. The emotion of the moment often interferes with your objectivity.”

Being clear about what actually happened, having choices around what’s next, and developing the competencies required to effectively complete assignments are critical factors in creating the results we want. 

Dave Mather is a Performance Improvement Specialist at Dale Carnegie Business Group in Toronto. His columns can be read at ept.ms/dave-mather

Find Dave on LinkedIn.

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